


Life sucks, but that's ok

by Staciir



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Abuse, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Anxiety, Bisexuality, Child Abuse, Explicit Language, Flashbacks, Fluff, Foster Care, Gay, Homophobia, Insomnia, Internalized Homophobia, Lams - Freeform, Lesbian Character, Love Triangles, Multi, Other, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Panic Attacks, Pansexual Character, Self-Harm, Swearing, Threats of Rape/Non-Con, Vomiting, smol alex
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-12
Updated: 2017-12-29
Packaged: 2019-01-16 10:26:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 7
Words: 12,091
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12340830
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Staciir/pseuds/Staciir
Summary: In the cheesyest summary ever:Alex is sent to be fostered with the Washington's and their son Gilbert. When he meets new friends, new enemies, and new lovers, will he be able to escape his past to be happy with them.Theres also a lot of relationship drama cause it my fanfic and I can do what I want with it.Okay so theres going to be a bunch of different storylines but their mostly in Alex's pov and kinda in time with the musical so phillip and theo come later along with Jefferson and Mads.No update schedule cause I feel as though it would make this story suck and I don't want to go through that.





	1. Charmer mode

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, this is my first fic so criticism is appreciated. I do kind of have a plan for this but if you have suggestions for what you want to happen next I will put it in consideration.
> 
> Also I don't live in America nor have I ever been so I'm sorry in advance for my lack of knowledge.

"YOU GET THAT, THAT  _ THING, _ AWAY FROM ME AND MY WIFE"    
  
The tall man bellowed with a scowl on his face as he gestured to the small boy in the back seat of the car. Seabury's fear was evident on his face as he backed away from the anger fueled adult with his hands held in a way one would when backing away from a big dog.    
  
"Y-y-yes sir I understand. Just please calm down." The social worker spoke with caution.   
  
"Calm down? CALM DOWN!? THIS LITTLE MONGREL SLAPPED MY WIFE, BASICALLY ABUSED HER, AND YOU'RE TELLING ME TO  _ CALM DOWN! _ " The man was practically fuming by this point which rose a few questions from the small teenager listening intently from the car. 'Why would he be so sincerly angry for something he knew wasn't anyone's fault but his?' Alex was no longer paying attention to the scene outside instead choosing to reach into his bag for the notebook he kept safe in the front pocket to collect his thoughts.    
  
Stealing one last glance at the couple he paused, and noticed the lady that stood behind the man, staring at Alex with a gentle smile. She would have looked gorgeous if not for the now purple bruise covering her right cheek.    
  
Right when Seabury was at the door, Alex could hear the ending lines of their conversation.   
  
"Y-Yes I will make sure he gets a suitable punishment" the cowering man stated with fake confidence.   
  
The former foster father smirked menacingly. "Well good luck finding a home for this little immigrant. Sluts like him should be in jail for abuse."   
  
Something in Alex felt broken in the way the man used everything he knew about the boy and turned it into a single insult. Reaching for his notebook yet again, albeit a little more eager to get his thoughts on paper, he noticed the car turn on and start moving. Risking a final glance at the couple retreating into the house, that Alex once resided in, he could see the woman shooting alex a look that said something like good luck along with a wink from her less swollen eye.   
  
Alex had not even been paying attention to his caseworkers rambling, and he knew that in trying to explain himself Seabury wouldn't believe anything he had to say. So, despite its rare occurrence, silence had fallen itself on Alexander Hamilton, as he wrote.

 

\---

  
It was about midday. after Alex looked up from his scribbled writing he noticed that they had to have been driving for a few hours and we're well past any group homes. It wasn't until he noticed the ‘welcome sign’ that he shot up from his seat. 

  
“Wait! Why the hell are we in Virginia?!” Alex spoke getting straight to the point. Seabury sighed, anticipating this conversation but yearning for the silence once more.

 

“I got a call from a family in Virginia that wanted to foster you.” Seabury spoke cautiously so as not to anger the young teen any further. Alex decided to let the man finish out of pity, seeing the grown man was afraid of a 16 year old.

“There is no where else for you to go in New York so if you fail to stay with this family you will have to go to a group home. You're very lucky that this family will take someone like you and seeing as the Washington's are so kind I don't expect a call.” 

 

Alex tuned out again after that, deciding to instead gaze absentmindedly out the window, already knowing what was going to be said. He'd heard this speech too many times, all about ‘how nice this new family is gonna be’ and ‘you'll love it there’. But it was never true. He had the scars to prove it. 

 

It was then Alex noticed the change in scenery. The fields and trees were now replaced with normal looking houses with small gardens. They looked homely Alex thought as he waited for the moment Seabury would pull over into one of them. Ready to meet a family of fake smiles and strict punishments before the inevitable. However, when the adult simply continued driving, Alex's dream of a warm house with a nice garden was crushed and he remembered the countless reasons why he didn't deserve any of it and that he was probably going to get a rotten house made with concrete that was barely standing the test of time. Almost like the one on the island. His mother cooking whatever dinner they could scrape up enough money for.

 

Lost in his memories Alex nearly missed the grand view laid out before him. The young caribbean gawked at the magnificent Mansions complete with pillars and tall windows as they whizzed by.  Completely dumbfounded, Alex turned to Seabury once more right when the man turned and drove up to one of the houses answering most of Alex's questions. But Alex refused to accept that this big house with a red roof was his new foster home. He didn't want to believe it. 'Not another one.'

 

“What the hell are we doing here?” Alex asked rather viciously.

“This is where the Washington's live and it's where you'll be living,” the caseworker responded tiredly but barely hiding his eagerness to get rid of the young caribbean after so long. With his response, Alex started rambling.

 

“What do you mean this is my new foster home? You're saying that my new foster parents are rich because first of all why on earth would they want to foster someone like me willingly unless they wanted the publicity seeing as they obviously don't need the money. Oh and one more thing, if they're rich and in need of publicity doesn't that mean their powerful? It means they can do anything they want with me and n-”

 

“SHUT UP!”

 

Alex's mouth clamped shut immediately like he was taught. Seabury had his head on the steering wheel taking deep breaths. Alex hadn't realized the car had stopped moving until his gaze landed onto the house he would be staying in for who knows how long.

 

They were in a circular driveway with a small tree in the center. Despite the house being just as magnificent as the last ones, with at least three stories, Alex noticed the vast gardens that this house had, complete with a small forest/ orchard poking from behind. Alex made a mental note that the trees would be a good place to hide. The next thing he noticed made his skin crawl, as he gazed upon the long fence leading all around the perimeter. The teen never liked fences, not after king…

 

_ “WHERE ARE YOU?”  _

_ Alex's breath turned to heaving as he ran from the voice through the garden. _

_ “IF YOU CAN'T ACCEPT MY LOVE THEN I SUPPOSE I'LL JUST HAVE TO KILL YOUR FRIENDS AND FAMILY… OH WAIT”  _

_ The grown man stated in his obnoxious British accent followed by a loud chuckle. Alex's heart was racing as he kept running from the man until he stopped at the fence. The fence itself wasn't very tall, but it was flat and smooth so wasn't the easiest to climb. _

 

_ But there wasn't any other choice. Alex quickly made his way to a nearby tree and started to climb. When he could hear footsteps crunching leaves he climbed faster. He was so close to the top then he could escape. If he could just crawl to a nearby branch then he could get over the fence. The footsteps were now right below him and Alex could hear his heartbeat pulsing in his brain. He was so close. One more and he was free. Everything would be okay. Just. a little. further.  _ **_*SNAP*_ **

 

“Alex, ALEX!”

 

Alex slowly came back to his senses by the sound of his name and the grasp of arms shaking him violently.

 

“Get up you fool. In case you haven't noticed were  _ here  _ and if you want to have a good first impression on the Washington's, unlike every other foster home, then I suppose you straighten yourself out.” The caseworker was now outside the vehicle currently holding the door open for Alex while tapping his foot impatiently. Alex slowly came down from his own mind and regained a few of his senses before wiping his wet cheeks with his sleeves, putting on his backpack and exiting the vehicle. 

 

“Now don't screw this up! I don't want a call coming from the Washington's to take you back because you're mimd is  _ broken _ . And I'm not going to drive from new York to Virginia just for some little bastard no one wants.”

_ Broken. Bastard.  _ The words have lost all their meaning to Alex after hearing them for so long. But, seeing as Alex was not planning on going to a group home he decided to put a little more effort into this home rather than the others.  _ And  _ because he wanted to rub it in Seabury's face.

 

\---

 

With that, the two walked up the stairs to the front door and waited. After a few seconds the door opened and two people with dark skin stood in the doorway. One was a brood man wearing a red flannel. Alex imedietly straightened his posture. Standing next to him, holding the door with two hands, was a lady much smaller than the man in comparison  (but then again everyone seemed like they were). She wore a simple light pink dress with flats that suited her short hair. They looked like they matched each other perfectly, as did their expressions. The woman had kind eyes and an even kinder smile, and despite his built structure the man held warm eyes with a gentle smile which helped Alex relax a bit. Which was just enough.

 

“Mr Seabury, so good to see you!”

The woman spoke kindly.

“ahhhh yes it's good to see you two too. But I'm in a bit of a rush so I'll just introduce you to Alex.” The caseworker spoke, gesturing to the short teen next to him.

“Of course, and you must be Alexander.  I'm George and this is my wife Martha.” The man- george- stated while extending his hand to Alex. Alex was suddenly alert and standing even straighter.

 

_ “remember this alex, how will I bare to call you my  _ **_son_ ** .”

 

Alex had instantly gone into ‘charmer mode’ which basically made him a business robot. Something that he picked up in a few of the richer families he had. Although, they did have some gruesome ways of implementing it into Alex's brain.

 

“It's a pleasure to meet you, and thank you for letting me stay in your home” Alex used the most polite tone he could and gave George a firm hand shake like he was taught. He was disgusted by how he couldn't even control how he was acting, his emotions were numb as he silently recalled the memories of past tourchure. The scars on his back beginning to sting again.

 

“What a gentleman” Martha Washington stated with a small chuckle, although her eyes did show some confusion which didn't make sense at all. Seabury just looked shocked and somewhat annoyed before he spoke up.

 

“Well um it seems that i must be going now so do you have everything Alexander?”

 

“Yes sir and thank you for everything” Alex was planning on looking like an angel to these Washington's. He was not going to any group homes.

“Well yes, call me if you need anything,” 

“Of course.”

Alex turned his head to look at his caseworker retreating and gave him a smirk before looking back to the Washington's.

 

“I'll show you to your room son-” 

 

**_Son_ **

 

“Don't call me son!” Alex snapped before thinking. Mr and Mrs Washington both had faces of confusion and surprise. But no malice.

 

“Oh-oh my gosh I'm so so sorry I didn't mean to snap you didn't deserve that I'm so sorry” Well he had barley been here 5 minutes and he'd already fucked up. Great job. 

 

Before Alex could rant for hours about how sorry he was, gripping his hair in the process, george interrupted him. 

 

“It's alright Alexander, i didn't mean to offend you or anything but I won't call you that if you don't want me to.” Mr Washington spoke calmly.

 

“Th-thank you sir,” Alex was back in ‘charmer mode’ as fast as he had slipped out of it when his back stung even more when he stuttered.

 

“Well let us carry on then” 

“lets”

  
And with that, Mrs Washington walked to the kitchen to prepare dinner while Mr Washington invited Alex into the house, as if that whole ordeal never happened. Although they did have an expression that seemed as though they were trying to figure something out. Alex was partly grateful, but he knew they would just punish him later. Still, he was thankful that they were giving him time to mentally prepare himself. Anyways now was not the time to be worrying about that, he could take anything they throw at him, what was more worrying was how long he'd have to wait before they enrolled him in school.

'Two more years. Then your free to turn this world upside-down.'


	2. Panic! At the Washington's

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex meets laf  
> Eats dinner  
> Panic

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't suffer from terrible anxiety so I'm sorry if I don't quite capture what panic attacks are like. :/

The Washington mansion looked a lot more homely than Alex expected. Of course it was still outrageously big and fancy but it did feel like a family home. So when mr Washington invited Alex in, he was more dumbfounded by the warm atmosphere then the grand foyer complete with a long staircase wrapping along the the high walls to the second floor. Alex wondered just how many rooms this house held. And if one of them was a library.

 

“I'll let Gilbert give you the ‘grand tour’ tomorrow but in the meantime, I'll just show you your room on the second floor.” George then gestured to the staircase and waited until Alex was responding before beginning to climb them. All the Washington's we're pretty accustomed to people being amazed by their home but truth is, Alex was ecstatic to not have to sleep in the basement. You never know if a flood would come and trap you downstairs. Alex only barely escaped last time.

 

Walking down a long hallway at the top of the stairs, George stopped in front of the second one to the left, and opened the door.

“And this is it,” Mr Washington stated gesturing to the giant bedroom that Alex would be staying in. When Alex didn't respond the adult looked to him, only to see him staring at the room in complete awe. 

“There's a bathroom here with toothbrushes and shower things but there's also a bathroom down the hall,” Mr Washington looked at alex fondly as the boy slowly became aware of the situation, and coughed awkwardly.

“Ah yes thank you, for the room.” 

 

Alex was amazed that a room this big was his own. It was bigger than any room he'd had at any other foster home, and this one was even furnished with more than just a bed and a small bedside. The windows were big and looked out on the nicely kept garden as the white veil-like curtains swayed lightly by an indoor breeze. There was a simple white desk which Alex was grateful for, by a matching closet, and a bookshelf half full of books ranging from fairy tales to politics. Alex was just itching to get a hold on one.

 

“Well I'll let you get settled and Gilbert will probably call you down for dinner when he gets home from school, is that alright with you.” Alex had almost forgotten that Washington was there and quickly replied with a hasty “yes sir”.

 

“Please, call me George,”

 

‘An order’ Alex thought. ‘an order must be obeyed.’

 

“yes George” and with that George left to do who knows what while Alex ran inside his new room, shut the door, and ‘thank god’, locked it. ‘They probably have the key, but that should give me time, just in case’. 

 

Feeling secure enough for the time being, Alex looked around the room that was his while the Washington's we're nice. ‘This is great, now their gonna make me do something for it, and now they will get to taunt me with these luxuries’. Alex's mind was scrambling, already deciding possible escape routes and what he would like to take when he needed to run away. Starting with the bookcase. 

 

The motion of putting away his things was quickly forgotten as Alex grabbed the first book he saw from the bookshelf and began reading immediately on the floor. Being washed in a sense of relaxation and bliss that was exclusive only to when he was reading.

 

\---

 

Who knows how long Alex read for but it wasn't until he was rudely interrupted by a loud voice downstairs that he noticed he had been reading for an hour or so judging by the setting sun.  Reluctantly putting back his book away with a sigh, Alex got up and thought about his situation. He was at the Washington's and George said that he could stay here until ‘Gilbert’ was home from school. Alright, so if Alex remembered correctly, this Gilbert was going to show up when we’ll eat dinner. 

 

‘The  _ Washington's _ will eat dinner I suppose. Well it would be a shame for me to waste their food seeing as i would barely be able to eat half of it without throwing up, and they would just call me a burden later so there really isn't any point in eating-’ Alex's thoughts were interrupted by excited footsteps coming up the stairs and Alex was suddenly aware once more. Quickly unlocking the door incase they got angry at him for using it and they remove it, Alex sat on the queen bed and pretended to be putting away his things from his backpack. 

 

The footsteps were outside Alex's door when he heard two knocks and a cautious voice. 

 

“May I come in?” The voice was male and had a thick French accent.

“It's open” Alex responded, and soon enough the door was flying open while the teen responsible stood in the doorway, an excited grin planted on the young boys face. 

“Bonjour it is nice to meet you, je m’appelle Lafayette but you may call me laf, I'm not going to bore you with my full name either,” the Frenchman spoke loudly, words accompanied by hand gestures made him look almost animated.

“Alexander Hamilton, but you can call me Alex.” Alex didn't know who this person was to the Washington's (he probably should've asked) but you never know if being on his good side will come in handy.

“oh yes mon mon frère, Martha said that dinner is ready so we must go downstairs. Martha's cooking is, how you say, the bomb,” the newer teen spoke with a giggle, before pulling Alex from his spot on the bed and dragging him to, where Alex assumed, would be the kitchen. 

 

Thinking about this strangely fast meeting, a single thought stood out against others. ‘Wait. Did he just call me brother?’ Alex's thoughts were muddled as he realized that this French fry of a boy was probably another Foster sibling.’Glad I was nice to him, the Washington's obviously like him more.’

 

Alex took this moment to examine the new teen to be his foster brother. He was about a head taller than Alex with black to brown hair tied into a puffy ponytail. His dark eyes shone with excitement and glee as he pulled Alex through the house. Although he wasn't wearing anything fancy, (a tank top and some ripped jeans) Alex still felt insecure about his tattered denim jeans with a long sleeve top underneath a short sleeve that had some sort of writing that wasn't eligible after years of use. 

 

Once they made it to the kitchen after  what felt like forever, Martha was cooking something on the stove while Lafayette went to sit down at a long square table beckoning Alex to sit next to him. Alex did so and as he shifted slightly Martha turned around and finally noticed the two boys behind her.

“Hello Gilbert, Alex, how're you feeling?”

“fine thank you ma’am”

“Call me Martha honey, ma’am makes me feel old,” Martha said with a laugh meaning she was joking, however, Alex's mind thought differently. ‘Great you've insulted her and now she's going to hate you. God you should've expected that ma’am was too formal after Mr Washington told to to call him George. Why are you so fucking stupid.’

“yes Martha.” Alex said smiling without skipping a beat. Many people thought that he didn't have a filter, but little did they know that he was very good at ‘looking normal’.

 

Martha smiled at Alex in return as she set down a two bowls of stew, one in front of Alex and one laf. It was that moment that Mr Washington walked in, gave a quick kiss to Martha and took his bowl to the seat across from laf.

“Hello boys, so anything exciting happen at school today?” George said motioning to the French teen rampaging through his food. With that simple question Laf began speaking wildly while somehow still managing to eat his food in a semi polite way. 

 

Meanwhile, Alex sat there staring at the giant bowl of food in front of him. ‘Is this all for me?’ he thought in disbelief. At most of the other foster homes he was normally given leftovers and if he was lucky, he would make his own food from whatever he could scavenge from the kitchen. Martha seemed to notice his discomfort because after awhile she asked,

“Do you not like stew Alex? We could order a pizza for you if you like,” 

“Oh no it's okay,” Alex responded taking a small spoonful. 

 

Once Alex took that small bite he was eating almost as fast as Lafayette was. It had been so long since he had had good food that he didn't realize how hungry he really was. He also didn't realize how nauseous he started to feel. The most Alex had eaten in that week was five minute noodles for dinner so this big bowl of absolutely delicious homemade food was more than he could handle. 

 

Putting down his spoon next to his half eaten stew he looked up for the first time and saw, thankfully, George engrossed in Lafayette's story about some guy in a red coat while Martha was sitting across from Alex looking at him with furrowed eyebrows.

 

“Are you not eating anymore Alex?” 

Alex shifted nervously at the now three pairs of eyes on him. ‘How am i supposed to answer that? I shouldn't waste their food but I already feel nauseous, would they be mad that I'm eating so much of their food? What am I supposed to say?’ Alex noticed himself slowly spiral into panic as his breathing quickened along with his heartrate. ‘Oh shit oh shit I'm gonna have a panic attack and ruin their dinner God I'm so stupid why can't just answer this simple question! shit i need to get out of here fuck, fuck fuck fuck…’

“May I please be excused.” Alex said in a hopefully steady tone as his vision darkened and his throat slowly filled with bile.

“If you want but are you okay?” Alex didn't even know who was talking, his eyes giving way to the darkness, as he attempted to take deep breaths to calm down enough to get out of here.

“I'm fine, thank you for the food.” Alex's words were rushed as he briskly walked out of the kitchen.

 

Once the door closed Alex bolted to his room, tripping on a few steps on the way. His throat burned as he blindly opened the door making sure it was his room, letting it swing shut it behind him, and ran to the ensuite that Mr Washington had mentioned. Quickly crouching in front of the pristine white toilet, Alex released all of his dinner into the toilet bowl. The feeling of chunks and liquid forcing its way up his throat made him violently hack. His mind was still racing with things that he couldn't comprehend all at once. ‘I ran from the Washington's dinner. Fuck they probably hate me.’ ‘they're gonna send me to another shitty foster home even though this one was so nice.’ ‘Shit Shit Shit shit shit.’ Alex was practically dry heaving now as tears ran down his cheeks and he thought back to all of the other foster homes that beat him for wasting their dinner, only making his panic worse. 

  
  


_ “YOU UNGRATEFUL LITTLE PIG! IF YOU CANT KEEP DOWN THE FOOD I MAKE FOR YOU THEN MAYBE YOU JUST SHOULDN'T EAT AT ALL!” _

 

_ Tears formed in Alex's eyes as the woman yelling slapped him repeatedly across the face. Alex was kneeling in front of her while being pulled up by his collar, the woman's breath smelt strongly of alcohol. _

 

_ “DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO MAKE DINNER EVERY NIGHT AND HAVE TO WORK TILL  _ **_TWELVE_ ** _!” _

 

_ ‘No you don't, you go out drinking every night’ Alex wanted to say but thought better of it.  _

 

_ “Honestly I don't know what to do with you.” _

_ “Then leave me alone to fend for myself like all the other homes” Alex meant his statement sincerely, his voice didn't waver once despite his tears and yet it just earned him another slap to the face. _

 

_ “YOU LITTLE SHIT DO YOU NOT WANT A FAMILY! I CARE FOR YOU MORE THAN ANYONE ELSE WOULD AND YOU DARE USE THAT TONE WITH ME. I AM YOUR MOTHER!” _

 

_ Alex's head snapped up and he glared at the woman above him, her hair falling in crazy directions. _

 

_ “You. are  _ **_not_ ** _ my mother.” The woman almost looked hurt as she kicked Alex onto his side to repeatedly kick him in the gut. _

 

_ “WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?!” The new voice was male and came from behind the young woman. _

_ “Son what did you do to your poor Mother to make her so upset?” The woman slowly retreated to the man. _

_ “He wouldn't finish the home made dinner I made for him” the female said in mock innocence. ‘Wrong. I literally can't eat food without barfing anymore.’ _

 

_ The man seemed hurt by how upset his wife was as he went over and hugged her. _

_ “Don't pay him any mind dear, our son is just going through a phase.” Resting her head on the man's shoulder, she muffled an “okay.” _

 

_ For a while everything was silent and almost peaceful. As if they hadn't just been beating their foster child for vomiting. _

_ “im nght yre su” Alex muddled incoherently from his position on the ground. He was holding his stomach in pain while blood trickled down his lips. _

 

_ “What's that son,” the man asked as if just noticing he was there. _

 

_ “I'M NOT YOUR SON!”  _

 

_ A kick to the head. _

 

_ Alex didn't eat anything for a week until he was moved to a different home for having a ‘rude attitude that they just couldn't handle.’ _

  
  


Having vomited all of his innards, Alex was left curled up in a ball next to the toilet, a position he didn't remember going in, with tear streaks down his face and hands gripping his hair like a lifeline. Everything was black as Alex slowly tried to reclaim consciousness when he faintly heard a knock on the door and a French accented voice coming from behind it.

“Alexander mon ami,are you okay in there?”

  
Alex's breath caught in his throat. Shit they're gonna find out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cliff hanger?


	3. The Reynolds Afair

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex has too many problems.  
> The Reynolds is one.  
> His methods are another.  
> And everyone finding out about his past and personality is his own.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Everythings fine  
> MAY HAVE SMALL MENTIONS OF RAPE SO PLEASE DON'T READ IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT!!!!

‘oh shit oh shit what am I gonna do! They're gonna find out that I'm broken, they're gonna send me away shit I don't wanna go to a group home! Fuck, think of something!’ Alex's mind was steadily going into panic again when he heard Lafayette's voice,

“Alexander are you okay? Can you hear me?” Lafs voice was laced with concern as the door to the bedroom was opened.

‘Shit he's gonna come into the bathroom’

“Alexander mon ami?” 

‘oh fuck think, think! how can you get out of this?’ Alex's heart was pounding again as he frantically looked around in a panic.

“May I come in?”

‘in. un deux trois hold. Out un deux trois…’

“Alexander I am going to come in alright”

‘Shit! Fuck it!’

“Alexander?”

“Hi laf.”

 

The sound of the toilet flushing echoed in the bathroom along with the sounds of the sink running. Alexander stood by the basin washing his hands with a bar of soap the Washington's had in his room.

“Je suis désolé Alexander for disturbing you, but you seemed to be in some distress when you ran up here. You also never finished your dinner.”although  Lafayette wore a soft questioning expression, Alex felt as though he was being interrogated.

“Oh no I'm fine, I'm sorry for worrying you.” Lafs gaze flickered to the hands behind Alex's back before meeting his eyes again. Alex's expression was cold, almost lifeless, it would've frightened Lafayette if not for the fire hidden beneath his eyes. 

“No no it is fine.”

 

Two boys stood in the bathroom for a few awkward moments, one that wanted to be alone and one that was not entirely convinced. 

“Well uh, there is still dinner downstairs if you get hungry again.” Lafayette said hopefully. Truth is Alex was kinda hungry after throwing up all of the food he had eaten in the past few days but the thought of  _ eating _ almost made him audibly gag. 

“No thank you, I think I'll just go to bed now.” Alex said, silently willing his foster brother to leave.

“Yes of course, bonne nuit, good night Alexander.”

“Good night Laf.”

 

Lafayette felt a little uncomfortable at the way Alex spoke but didn't say anything. Closing the door to the bedroom, Laf couldn't help but think about how strange it was that someone could make him,  _ him. Lafayette. Awkward _ . It was truly a rare occurrence that Lafayette did not enjoy, but something in Alex just made laf uneasy. Guess he would just find out what it is In time.

 

\---

 

Once Lafayette left the bathroom and Alex heard the sound of the bedroom door close he immediately rushed to the sink and pulled up his sleeves revealing the two small slices in his skin, spots of blood dotting the open wounds.

 

Running the water once more and wincing slightly when the water came in contact with his skin, Alex cleaned the crime scene by covering his wound with bandages that he found in a lower drawer and pocketing the weapon of choice in his back pocket; quietly exiting the bathroom once he'd cleaned the sink. Remembering to change his shirt (and making a note to do his own laundry) and deciding to don his pajamas which consisted of sweatpants and a baggy sweater.  His expression didn't change once.

 

It was a repetitive process, one that Alex has been through a few times but not often. He new it was an unhealthy method, and he wasn't exactly suicidal, but there were times when he needed to ground himself  _ immediately _ and this just seemed to calm him down. He made sure to never cut deep enough to kill and to never do it until the last ones had healed so that it wouldn't be a habit. It has saved him more than once which is why he keeps the small razor in his back pocket at all times in case of an emergency. 

 

Panic attack pushed aside for now, and Alex still being in a strange sense of calm, he decided to instead grab his journal and start writing. Alex never had a plan for writing but sitting on his bed with the journal his mother had gotten him seemed to make him write anything and everything. He ended up just writing about his day. He wrote some things on how nice the Washington's we're and what kind of things he would have to put up with later. He wrote about what he expected this new school to be like, probably same old same old (‘ignorant fuck sake that think they can debate with me on their flawed opinions’). Just everyday things that would distract him from the bigger portrait of all his life's distress and mistakes.

 

After what felt like a few minutes, Alex looked at the digital clock that sat on his white bedside. ‘11:00pm. If I wanna sleep schedule I better start now’. Alex quickly went to turn off the lights and sat on his bed. Inside he knew that his insomnia wasn't going to let him sleep but he felt that the Washington's would get mad if they found out he was still awake. And so Alex reached into his bag and pulled out the sleeping pills that he had stolen from the last few houses. 

 

He was slowly growing his collection of pills, all different brands and purposes, after stealing them from many houses in case he needed them. Alex knew that if he was sick or in need of a specific medicine that he wouldn't be able to afford it, so instead he sneakily stole a few boxes from each house, never taking too much but just enough. He actually earned a few beatings, fighting tooth and nail for these pills that were as good as gold to him, and he felt as though he had enough to spoil himself with a full (ish) nights rest. Besides, the Washington's probably had a gigantic collection of medicine somewhere. Alex just had to find it.

 

Popping in two pills even though he was only supposed to take one (he was underweight) Alex laid down in bed, waiting for the pills to work immediately on his empty stomach. As expected, Alex fell into a fitful sleep.

 

\---

 

_ A small teen stood stiffly in front of a built man that appeared to be yelling at him. Although the boys features were unwavering, inside his mind was deciding every possible escape route that he could take  _ **_right now_ ** _. _

 

_ “What th~e  _ **_fuck_ ** _ is wrong with little shits like you!” _

_ In actuality, the boy hadn't done anything wrong, his foster father was just drunk again.  _

 

_ “y~know. I could ruin your life” the man paused to take a swig of his tequila bottle,  _

_ “I could beat you, hell I could rape you if I wanted to” the boy physically stiffened. ‘I knew this guy was bad but he wouldn't go that far right?’ The young immigrants fight or flight senses were almost in action when the man spoke up again. _

_ “But I'm not a menace to society. Unlike  _ **_some_ ** _ little sissy that I know of.” The boy did not relax in the slightest. _

_ “I mean, how can you do that to a  _ **_guy_ ** _ that would just be abs~lutly disgusting.” The man's words were slurring and he was swaying involuntary.  _

 

_ The boy's face grew hot as he understood.  _

_ “H-how do you know about that” the young teen said in a scared voice. The man's face flashed with confusion, then realization, then disgust. _

_ “Your gay?”  _

_ ‘I fucked up’ _

 

_ “You disgusting little SINNER!”  _

 

_ One punch to the face. _

 

_ “YOU'RE A MISTAKE OF GOD YOU KNOW ” _

 

_ face. _

 

_ “A WORK OF THE DEVIL” _

 

_ ribs. _

 

_ “WHY AREN'T YOU IN HELL YET” _

 

_ The teen was now curled up and writhing in pain while the man above him kept on hitting and kicking him while spouting homophobic slurs. It was then that a young woman entered the room. _

 

_ “James stop please you'll kill him!” The woman pleaded. _

_ “SHUT UP SUZANNE YOU STUPID WHORE” The man smacked the woman with so much force that she fell to the ground. It was then that a young girl walked into the room and began helping the small boy off the ground. Everything was chaos as the boys bones writhed in pain. _

 

_ “Are you okay Alex?” The girl asked, _

_ “I'm fine Maria, we need to help your mom.” Maria glanced  at her parents and looked hesitant before answering, _

_ “My mom knows how to take care of herself, and if it gets too bad I'll help her but right now you need to leave.” Maria said with urgency. It was then that James turned around. _

_ “And where do you think you two are going!” The man said pushing Alex down and grabbing Maria by the hair. _

_ “I'm tired of YOUR STRUGGLING MARIA! YOU'RE AS BAD AS YOUR MOTHER” _

_ “Stop. STOP!” Tears were beginning to run down the girl's face as the man began unbuckling his pants. Alex froze once he knew what he was going to witness. And he saw red. _

 

_ The next few moments were a blur to Alex but next thing he knew he was on top of reynolds, punching him repeatedly, a vicious scowl on his face. Alex was promptly pushed off and pinned to the wall by his neck. Alex reached for the hands that were cutting off all oxygen to his lungs, attempting to pull them off but to no avail. He was slowly lifted from the floor making breathing an even more difficult task. Alex was smart enough to know that James was stronger than him. He was probably going to die. _

 

_ Looking around Alex saw Suzanne crawling to her daughter in pain as Maria frantically looked around for something,  _ **_anything_ ** _ that she could do to solve this situation. Nothing.  _

 

_ Black was creeping it's way around the young boy's eyes as his lungs screamed for air. Gasping and grabbing at the man's hands, clawing at them, he fell limp, sliding down the wall once he was let go. Everything was in pain and his vision was blurry. He was gasping and inhaling oxygen greedily, but he didn't notice. All he could faintly make out was the silhouette of James smacking Maria repeatedly before dragging her by the hair. In the direction of the bedroom. While Suzanne laid on the floor unconscious with tear stains leaving trails in her make up. _

 

_ “stop” Alex croaked weakly. _

_ “No, Stop!” _

_ “Leave her alone!” _

_ “STOP!” _

 

_ \--- _

 

“NO!” 

Alex had sat up in bed after being jolted awake by his own voice. Tear tracks stained his cheeks as he slowly curled into a ball as fresh tears started running down his cheeks. Realization hit him like a brick.

 

“Maria's still there” he mumbled to himself. That was his last placement. Maria was there alone for a day. Alex left her there. She probably didn't even know Alex moved. The boy was openly sobbing when Mrs Washington entered his room, awakened by the sudden scream that came from her new foster sons room.

 

“Alex? What's wron-” Mrs Washington never finished her sentence, instead, she threw herself onto the bed and removed Alex's hands from gripping his hair.

“Sweety? Alex it's okay, you're okay.” Alex wanted so badly to believe her, but deep down he knew that as long as Maria was still there,  _ she _ wasn't okay. 

“You'll be okay Alex, it was only a dream” Alex sniffed and looked up at Martha.

“No. No it wasn't” He croaked and wiped his eyes with his sleeves. If he wasn't so worried about his former foster sibling he would probably feel embarrassed right now, but Maria was top priority right now.

 

“Do you want to talk about it sweetheart?” Martha's voice was soothing and so,  _ so  _ trusting, but, even in his state, he knew it was a trap.

“N-no”

“Okay sweetheart,” In that moment Martha reached over and hugged Alex tightly. Alex tensed at first before slowly relaxing into the warm touch.

“-m sorry” The teen mumbled into Martha's shoulder after realizing that he probably disturbed her slumber.

“There's nothing to be sorry for Alex” Alex didn't really understand but didn't question. Instead he pulled away wiping his nose with the back of his sleeve and weakly smiled at the woman in front of him, the first genuine one since he came. The woman smiled back as Alex became more aware of his situation with Maria.

 

‘I need to contact her. I don't even have a phone, BUT  _ SHE _ DOES! OK I'll sneak downstairs to use the Washington's one when they're all asleep, I hope Maria doesn't mind a call this la-’

“Alex, do you need anything?” Martha asked sincerely, “a snack or something? I could warm up dinner if you'd like,”

“No thank yo- wait can I please borrow your phone!” Alex's entire ‘good boy’ act had been demolished in that moment as his mind was set on one thing. Maria.

 

Mrs Washington looked taken aback but when she gazed down at alex she saw that this must be really important, as the fire in his eyes that was dim when Martha first saw him was now blazing.

“Okay. But after that I think you should go to bed.” 

“Yes of course! Thank you ma’am!” Alex would scold himself later for calling her ma’am but instead he ran off downstairs in one hurried motion, being mindful of the people who were supposedly not woken by his deathly scream. Once he made it down the stairs, Alex turned back to Mrs Washington following slowly but hastily behind, with a questioning look.

“Where's the home phone,” Alex asked almost bashfully.

“in the kitchen on your right.”

 

As soon as it was said Alex was running in the direction of where he believed to be the kitchen and swung the door open blindly finding the switch before flicking the lights on. Being dazed by the lights a little bit caused some distress for Alex before he pivoted right and headed straight for the phone, not even attempting to acknowledge the other teen in the room climbing through the window. 

 

“John what're you doing there, you know we gave you a key for a reason.”

 

“Martha! um sorry, bu-,”

 

“Maria!?”

_ >Alex!< _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> John Laurens in the place to be


	4. Stay alive? Stay alive.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The phone call

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Even shorter chapter than usual
> 
> Also I think the formats weird but I'm too lazy to fix it so just bare with it I guess :P

“Maria!?”  
<Alex!>  
Alex had never been more grateful for that small button phone that Maria saved up for. He  
was also relieved that he remembered her number.  
“Maria are you okay?!”  
Alex still ignored the stares of the two other people in the room and continued on with his  
frantic conversation.  
<Yes, I'm fine where are you? James won't tell me anything and I don't know where Suzanne  
is> Maria had long since stopped calling her parents as mum and dad. They didn't deserve  
that title.  
“I'm okay I was moved when that bastard accused me of beating Suzanne”  
<What! But he was the one who pushed you into the lamp!>  
“Maria, I think we both know that he's too big headed to listen to any reason. Anyway has  
anything happened to you while I was gone?”  
<No its been fine here, James is out buying more beer and, like I said, I have no idea where  
Suzanne is.>  
“Well James won't let her go out with that bruise on her face so she must be somewhere in  
the house,” Alex remembered not being able to go to school for a week after a particularly  
bad beating.  
Martha physically inched forward, the file never said anything about abuse just that Alex got  
into lots of fights, but ever since he walked through the front door Martha knew something  
was up. His cold gaze and emotionless smile, if it wasn't for the spark behind his eyes he  
would practically seem dead. However, this Alex, talking to somebody named Maria on the  
phone, seemed much more... alive. The way he frantically talks and makes wild hand  
gestures and facial expressions, Martha wonders whether or not he’ll stay like this when the  
phone calls over or if he’ll revert back into his blank mask.  
<Wait! You said you were moved, are you really alright. You said that none of your  
placements are ever good>  
Alex was partially stumped by that question. The Washington's hadn't hit him, but then again  
it has only been a day,  
“I'm fine so far,”  
<well okay, I'll take your word for it, but if anything happens you need to call me!>  
“I will, you can do the same for me” then Alex realized he didn't own a phone, but he did  
have enough emergency money for a Nokia, “when I buy a phone I'll give you the number  
straight away”  
<Wait what are you using to call me now?>  
“The home pho-”  
Alex turned his head to look at the two figures in the kitchen with him. He's at the  
Washington's. Mrs Washington is here. So is some other person that Alex doesn't know.  
They've just heard everything Alex had said to Maria. Shit.  
<Alex? ALEX are you okay? >  
"YEA yes I'm fine"  
<oh good you went quiet all of a sudden>  
"Yea um i think I'll call you back, it's dark out, so I think I'll try to get some sleep"  
<oh yeah of course I'll go too before James comes back>  
"Don't forget to lock the door"  
<I know>  
"Stay alive"  
<stay alive>

After a beat of awkward silence of no one wanting to leave the other, the buzz of the dead line rang into Alex's ear. He put the phone back onto its stand on the table and looked at the two figures in the room.

Martha was staring at him intently, anticipating a response John just sat awkwardly at the table occasionally looking up from his green duffel bag next to his feet.  
No one said anything.

"Good night"

Alex was completely disconnected. He couldn't even feel his feet walking up the stairs. Once he made it to his room, he closed the door and locked it and collapsed into a heap on the floor. 'What have I done. OH GOD what have I done! It was all going so well why couldn't I have just kept my head and stole the phone in the night. Any punishment I would've gotten for getting caught wouldn't be nearly as bad as any punishment for that. Oh shit what am I gonna do. Fuck!'

It was then that the sleeping pills he had taken earlier seemed to still take action, or else he was just exhausted with the nights events but it was then and there that Alex dropped to the floor where he was and slept. His clock flashing 1:06 and tears staining his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So is the plot gonna kick in any time soon


	5. Fond memories

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex is alone in his room. Calm.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last one was a short one so this one is too, just to kindate even it out. :)

When Alex woke it had barley been an hour; but knowing that he won't fall asleep again, he stood groggily from his place on the floor, rubbing his eyes open, and shuffled into the bathroom. Already, his mind was steadily filling with the events of the night before, but he willed them away in favor of taking a shower.

Stepping out of the steam filled shower, without using the expensive shampoo that was provided, Alex slowly got dressed in his only other pair of clothes and brushed his teeth, hair still dripping with water. After seeing his digital clock flash 2:45am, he walked back into the bathroom in front of the sink and mirror and stared himself dead in the eye as he waited for his fast mind to catch up with him.

‘Martha knows about Maria. Martha and some, other guy? Wait why was that guy there. How was he there. He looked about my age, we'll whoever he is he's probably acquainted with the Washington's so he'll probably be a threat.’

After about 20min or so of muddled thoughts that would not make any sense, Alex decided to walk back into his bedroom and grab his journal from where he left them in his bag and sat leaning on the side of his bedside on the floor. The first thing he wrote was about Maria. 

Maria is ok for now, as she said, but Suzanne seems to be missing. James was out at the time so I'll have to ask Maria what he's like now that I'm gone.

Alex kept writing until his thoughts seemed to make sense and came to the conclusion that he minorly fucked up. he could handle this. So what Martha knows about his earlier placement and that he was actually really loud and not as kind as they thought he was, he could survive. Maybe he could get closer to laf so that he can back him up. 

‘The best course of action is to apologize (beg for forgiveness) and act like it never happened’

Alex mentally slapped himself in the face and stood from his spot on the floor.

‘ok. This will be fine. I can take anything they throw at me. I've been through worse. For Maria.’ 

Alex wrote one last note in his journal (remember to buy a phone), and picked up the book he was reading the day before (something about a wizard? Idk, but there are 7 of them so it must be good) and read as the black and blue hues of the sky slowly moulded together. He didn't want to get up before the Washington's, ‘better wait until they tell me it's ok to leave my room.’

\---

The digital clock of his flashing 5:00 and after reading through 3 of the Harry Potter books in order, Alex was beginning to feel restless. It wasn't so much as he was bored, but anyone would feel apathetic after doing the same thing for 2 hours straight. Alex looked around his room and stared outside his bedroom window. 

Orange. Orange and blue. They were his mother's favorite colors, because she loved the sunrise on Nevis. And after a while, Alex slowly came to love them too.

\---

A woman in her late twenties sat by the tiny window in the living room. A cup of, a bit colder than lukewarm, water in her hand with medication in the other. The sun was just beginning to rise over the small houses; as the sky was bathed in colors ranging from pink to orange. The clouds light and displayed across the sky in a gradient away from the sun only strengthening the beauty of it.

popping two pills into her mouth, the woman chugged the water.

Resisting the urge to cough, she gagged silently at the bitter taste of her medication and looked back at the sunset, only to be quietly disrupted by a tiny murmur from the doorway.

“mama?” 

A small, 11 year old boy stood in the doorway, groggily rubbing his eyes with the the back of his hands as he stared blearily at his mother across the room.

“Alex, ¿por qué no estás dormida con James?” [Alex, why are you not asleep with james?] 

“Tuve una pesadilla” [I had a nightmare]

“oh, mi león pequeño” [oh my little lion]

The woman then opened her arms in a welcoming Manner and Alex quickly walked over and fell into his mother's embrace. Sitting on her lap, Alex tilted his head to look up at his mother and saw her gazing out the window. 

“¿mama, te gusta el cielo?” [mum, do you like the sky?]

“si” [yes]

Alex gazed out the window with his mother, and he was awestruck by the sight. 

“hermosa” [beautiful] Alex dragged out.

Rachel giggled lightly at that. It was a bubbly sound that was comforting. Warm.

“tu cumpleaños se acerca. ¿Qué te gustaría para un regalo?” [your birthday is coming. What would you like for a gift?]

Alex had not caught what his mother had said, instead he sat with both of his hands on the glass and with the breath of his smiling mouth fogging it. Alex looked back up at his mother.

“el cielo es muy bonito” [The sky is very beautiful]

You could hear the childlike smile in his voice as he quickly turned his head to look at the sky yet again, as if afraid that he would miss something.

“sí lo es” [Yes it is] The woman said as she too turned her head to look at the sun now half full in the sky.

\---

Alex smiled at the fond memory. Normally thoughts about his mother would send him into panic, but there were always those few memories that would do the opposite. The memories before the death, before the hurricane, before the suicide, before the foster care; these memories were filled with ignorance and bliss. 

Ignorant to his mother's sickness. Ignorant to the upcoming storm. Ignorant to the suicide of a loved one. But in all of that ignorance, there was hope. Hope that things would get better. 

The foster system crushed that hope, and taught Alex how to survive. People who could break a child's wonder, bones, and will to live, feeling no remorse, we're the kind of people involved in foster care. It was a truly, flawed system.

\---

Lost in his thoughts, Alex's stomach began to rumble. He hadn't eaten anything since spewing his innards into the toilet last night, and it felt as though his stomach was just coming to terms with how empty it was.

‘maybe I could go down for so- No. I've already fucked up once I am not going to do it again.’

And so, Alex sat on his bed by the window and watched as the sun, now half way across the silhouette of the other Mansions. It truly was, a beautiful sight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Awwww


	6. Cartoon turtle print pajama bottoms

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex meets John  
> John can't pancake

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Probably should have edited it better   
> \\('--')/

_ 6:10 am _

 

Alex began to hear shuffling outside of his door. ‘Is someone awake? Are they coming to get me?’ Alex was debating with himself with whether or not he wanted to go downstairs, he was starving, but he also didn't want to be bombarded with questions by Mrs Washington.

 

The footsteps brushed past the bedroom door rather quickly and the Latino boy was left sitting on his bed staring at the door, book temporarily put down.

 

Being interrupted so abruptly, Alex took the time to figure out the best course of action. He had two piles of books next to him while he sat cross legged against the wall. He had just about finished the 5th Harry Potter book and so he swiftly finished the last page and set it aside onto the bigger pile. 

 

His stomach growled loudly. It wasn't a new thing to Alex to be hungry, but that didn't make it any less irritating.

 

‘Maybe if I make a good enough story I can make them believe that Maria was just a friend and I really missed her. Yeah, I can convince them. Plus there's someone downstairs so they can't accuse me of stealing or something because they're still in they're ‘good mode’ right? Even the Lee's took three days before they became neglectful.’

 

Filled with determination, and before he could change his mind, Alex ungracefully limped off of the bed and tied his unevenly dried hair into a neat(ish) ponytail and stared at himself in the bathroom mirror.

 

‘This will be fine.’

 

\---

 

Tentatively grasping the door lock and switching it with a satisfying  _ click _ , then moving to hold the brass doorknob, Alex took a deep, grounding breath before twisting his, almost shaking, hand and pulling the door halfway open.

 

Alex poked his head out of the door and looked both ways down the hall. Quietly, he moved out of his room and began attentively strolling downstairs where he believed the kitchen was.

 

After a small bit of searching, Alex began smelling the scent of what he believed to be pancakes but had an off element to it, (after having to make them for himself so many times he was quite used to knowing whether the ingredients were good or poisonous) and slowly walked to the room the smell was coming from. Taking another deep breath for what was to come, Alex hesitantly pushed the door open.

 

\---

 

Expecting to be met with Martha standing by the stove or George sitting at the table, Alex was quite shook ($h00kkk) when he noticed a boy with dark curly hair, but not as dark as lafs, tied in a bun with sunkissed skin donning golden freckles on almost every inch. The boy looked about Alex's age and was leaning on the bench gazing out of the window with his back turned to the door.

 

Alex was momentarily confused before remembering the strange teen who was sitting with Martha during the phone call and his chest suddenly bubbled with panic. ‘what should I do? Should I come back later? It's not too late to run back into my room right?’ Alex's heart rate was picking up as he slowly began backing away from the open door. The other teen still oblivious to Alex's presence. 

 

Just as the immigrant was about to make a run for it, a sizzling sound began playing, along with a charcoal sent. Alex looked to the boy in the kitchen gazing absentmindedly out of the window and watched as he snapped out of his stupor to pick up a spatula and frantically try to flip a pancake that was stuck to the pan. Then picking up the pan and holding it sideways above the floor in an attempt to scrape the pancake off of it. As expected, the pancake dropped to the floor with plop sort of sound and Alex watched the teen sigh defeatedly and put the pan back onto the stove so that he could pick up the failed pancake.

 

Alex was dumbfounded before snickering quietly at the scene that he had just witnessed, which seemed to be all it took for the teen crouched down onto the floor to flinch and shoot his head up and gaze at the source of the sound.

 

Alex's heart stopped as he froze against the eyes that had been laid upon him. All previous humor drained from his body as he stared back at the hazel eyes surrounded by a constellation of freckles all around his face. If alex wasn't slowly overreacting he would consider this person  _ very _ good looking.

 

Both, unsure of what to do, just stood awkwardly staring at the other. Alex's mouth shut tight in a thin line while the other had their jaw open in a surprised ‘o’ shape.

 

It was then that the charcoal smell returned and both teens looked to the pan which was now smoking lightly on the stove.

 

“ _ shit”  _

The teen stood from the floor, throwing the dropped pancake onto a nearby plate and quickly making to move the pan, flinching as his skin came into contact with the hot metal.

 

Alex then noticed the situation and briskly walked into the kitchen. Turning off the stove and using the handle to move the pan into the sink. Then he made his way over to the stranger who was cradling his hand in pain and grabbed the injured hand without consent to run it under the sink. The burnt pan sizzling under the sudden cold water.

 

Alex, still holding the hand under the water looked to the teen next to him. He was about a few inches taller than him with cartoon turtle print pajama bottoms with a t shirt that was way too big but looked very good on him. Being closer to his face Alex noticed many more freckles along with light bags underneath his bloodshot eyes.

 

“Thanks” 

Having realized that he had just been intensely staring at a stranger while holding their hand, Alex quickly took his hand away and instinctively took a few steps back.

 

“umm it's fine” Alex replied.

‘Is that really the best you can think of?’

 

“Your Alex right?” The stranger asked avoiding eye contact and rubbing the back of his neck with his not injured hand.

 

“uh, yea” 

‘smooth hamilton’

 

“I'm John Laurens, a friend of Lafs, i uh came last night” John held out his hand for a shake and Alex took it.

 

“Alexander Hamilton” 

 

Though Alex would normally be very nervous meeting a new person, John's whole awkward atmosphere seemed to put him slightly at ease for some reason.

 

“So, you making pancakes?”

Alex inquired with a smirk, he was shocked by his own tone a voice that was, just a second ago shy and awkward but now was confident and teasing. John looked to the plate with a stack of burnt and undercooked pancakes and Alex followed his gaze. The bench around the plate was covered in spilt flour and many other condiments.

 

“I  _ think.  _ I normally try making breakfast for everyone after staying the night cause, y'know, debt” 

Alex noticed a slight southern drawl in the way John spoke. 

“I normally make French toast but I wanted to try something different I suppose.”

 

“Well  it looks as though you might need a hand.”

John laughed, a beautiful laugh that made the smaller teens heart flutter involuntarily.

 

“Yea that'd be nice now that I only really have one hand.” John nodded to his burnt hand still under the tap.

 

Alex almost laughed, causing his chest to ache from the healing bruises.

“Well John Laurens, let's begin” 

 

\---

 

Alex had no idea what had gotten into him. This wasn't the ‘charmer mode’ that he had initially used with many other strangers. This was raw, real, and it was only for John, for some strange reason.

 

While Alex was cooking, John stared at his movements with his hand holding his chin. ‘A cute expression’ Alex thought. The gaze, instead of burning holes into his body, felt warm and light on Alex's skin. Though there was no speaking, it was comfortable. As if the two had been friends for years instead of having just met five minutes ago.

 

After the process was completed, there was a large stack of reasonably well made pancakes on the table and a cleaned up kitchen. Alex noticed the eyes lifted from him and turned to see John practically drooling over the freshly made pancakes.

 

“you can take one if you want, I'm not going to stop you.” 

Alex said taking one for himself. At his words John smiled thankfully and picked up the pancake. Eagerly taking a big bite.

 

“Woah, where did you learn to cook?” 

 

“An old foster home” Alex replied while standing back from the table and moving to lean on the kitchen bench along with John. 

 

Having realized what he said Alex started to come back to his senses.

 

‘Shit he's gonna ask questions now, nice going Hamilton! Wait this is a teen, whose friends with the Washingtons, and I'd  just insulted his cooking before. Fuck did I just make breakfast for the Washington's? Oh God what if they didn't want me to? What if they don't like the pa-’

 

“Cool”

 

Laurens voice pierced through Alex's thoughts and he noticed that john was staring out of the window again.

 

Both surprised and glad that no further questions were asked, Alex stared out of the window with John. All of Alex's panic pushed aside by John's one word. It was nice to have this moment. Instead of feeling safe by himself, Alex felt safe with John. He didn't know why but he felt as though Laurens was a person worth trusting, which was something he couldn't say to everyone.

  
Alex was in such a blissful moment, he didn't notice the taller teen occasionally turn his head to stare fondly at the smaller boy next to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow where's the angst


	7. I feel so Helpless

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A strangly domestic breakfast?  
> LAMS

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings in the end notes.
> 
> Also sorry I kinda took a while to update. It's the holidays where I live right now so yea. (Allthough that kinda isn't really an excuse since I'm a socially awakward loser with no real plans)
> 
> I'm also trying to work on my overall writing skills so sorry if this seems either really dragged out or really quick.

The blissful moment was suddenly disrupted by a few alarming footsteps coming down the stairs. Alex immediately flinched (which john didn't notice) and spun around to face the direction of the noise while John just curiously turned his head. 

Coming down the stairs was none other than George but he was quietly followed by Martha. While George still looked quite sleepy, Martha walked purposefully, probably expecting to make breakfast. When the two adults caught sight of the teens in the kitchen they smiled the same fond smile. George was first to speak.

“Good morning Alex, John.”  
“Morning G-Wash,” The freckled teen spoke with a wave of his hand, “Good morning Martha,”  
“Morning sweetheart, Alex did you sleep well?”  
Alex, now suddenly aware that he should speak, replied with a quick good morning followed by a yes ma’am. He then cursed himself for using the word ma’am and for not saying anything to George when he should have.

“Did you two make breakfast? It smells delicious,” George inquired simultaneously sitting at the table. Alex took this as a gesture to get him food, as it was something the other George had done. While he was scouring for plates John replied,

“Well I tried to make pancakes, and let's just say they, didn't turn out so well,-”

“you mean they were simultaneously burnt and undercooked, plus, seeing as you never researched and recipe, you forgot to add any butter, baking powder, and added in too many eggs which resulted in you burning a nonstick pan and attempting to create something that were anything but pancakes.” Alex remarked, a wide smirk playing at his lips. John, trying to look offended (and failing), quickly retorted, but it did not match the level of wittiness that Alex's had held.

“Cmon they weren't that bad, they would still be edible I'd say, and besides I've never made pancakes before,” John claimed.  
“And so you dove head first without even looking at a recipe”  
“Recipes are the easy way”  
Alex had to laugh at that while he handed a plate each to the other three people in the room. John smiled as a small giggle escaped his lips, Alex's heart fluttered involuntary. ‘What a nice sound’ he thought.

When the laughter had died down, everything seemed to freeze. A heavy atmosphere weighed down on Alex's chest. Before he could figure out what was wrong he turned to George and Martha and he could instantly feel his heart beating in his chest; but it wasn't the flutter that John's laughter had caused, no, it was the familiar feeling of his heart trying to break through his ribcage. Alex was instantly reminded of all the horrors in the world as he tried to reclaim control of the situation. Suddenly a spike of pain jolted from his lower half and quickly moved towards his back. Alex, trying to do something, turned his head to look at John but all he saw was darkness. All he could hear was his thoughts, and they weren't helping. The only thing there was a voice. And he knew that voice, with that fucking British accent.

‘Why do you suddenly feel so comfortable? What's wrong with you? You know they'll just throw you out. God your such an idiot! What were you thinking? That they actually liked you? Please who the fuck would ever care about you. Your father didn't even care enough to stay, your cousin left because of you and heck I bet if your mother hadn't had you, she would have been much better off.’

“no”

‘Without you she wouldn't have to throw away her decency away to feed something so useless.’

“no” a sob escaped Alex's mouth, but he couldn't hear it. The words were familiar but that didn't ease the sting.

‘The only person who ever cared for you. You know she could've been a teacher, she had dreams you know! Dreams you crushed.’

“stop I know”

‘You ruined her. You defiled her. She could've been happy. But you KILLED her.’

“no”  
His mind flashed to the vision of a sunset through the window but quickly switched to the image of his mother, dead next to him on the mattress. Body cold and unmoving, with glassy eyes and chapped lips. Hair sticking all over her sweat and tear stained face as blood still trickled from the corner of her mouth.

‘SHE'S DEAD BECAUSE OF YOU!’

“NO. Please stop”

‘YOU KILLED HER’

“Stop it”

‘IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT’

“I KNOW. SHUT UP!”

‘IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT. And now your just gonna kill this family…’

‘...I know.’

Alex opened his eyes to find Martha sitting next to him along with George and John standing away through blurry vision. Suddenly feeling his body giving up and his mind too, alex ungracefully swayed to the side as his mind kept screaming. As if an afterthought, he parted his lips and spoke softly...

\---

Everything was silent as Martha and George exchanged equally surprised and joyful looks, as though they had just seen the best scene in the world, but it was incredibly short lived. 

The smirk that John thought was permanently plastered onto Alex's face was wiped clean off and replaced with wide eyes and a distressed expression. Everything about this was sending warning signs in John's head as he kept observing.

“I didn't know you could cook Alex” Martha jabbered excitedly, turning to actually face Alex. 

“Alex?” she spoke worriedly. George turned with furrowed eyebrows.

Whatever previous happiness that had been in the air was quickly sucked out as John stared helpless at the scene in front of him. 

Alex was standing with glassy eyes trapped on the Washington's. Obviously having trouble breathing, as shown in the way his chest moved up and down, Martha moved forward to try and coax his breathing but before she could he collapsed onto the ground and quickly backed away until his back was against the cupboard. Hitting it with a loud thwack he flinched and held his arms tight around himself; digging his nails deep into his jersey.

“Shh shh Alex it's okay. It's Martha you're here. You're safe.” Martha tried, not to get too close to Alex for fear of frightening him but close enough that he could hear her.  
“Alex take some deep breaths for me okay? Can you hear me? Alex your safe…”

While Martha attempted to ground Alex, the teen suddenly perked up and frantically looked around. He stopped in the general direction John was but instead of looking at him, his eyes shifted as if trying to find him. God he looked so helpless. 

Alex, back still pinned to the foot of the counter, shakely shut his eyes as tears formed and began murmuring to himself. John could just barely make it out.

“No, no” 

the simple words felt so broken on his lips as he sobbed into his sleeve. It made John's heart shatter staring at this. He wanted nothing more than to save this poor boy he just met from whatever he may be experiencing right now. Just then George had made his way to Alex's other side and was steadily trying to find something, anything that could save his foster son. But there was nothing. 

Alex sniffled,  
“Stop, I know.” The words were laced with emotion and John could tell that whatever bad thing that was playing in his mind was something that had happened before.

“no” Alex cried but it was more like a plea, and for a second… he was oddly calm, but that was shattered as a loud sob escaped his lips and Alex tilted his head up a small bit and tensed even more. Hands now digging into his hair.

“Alex honey please hear me! Your safe please…!” mrs washington tried to pry alex's hands off of his head but it only made his screams worse. Martha was on the verge of tears as she steadily began to realize that there was nothing she could do. He was so far into his mind that nothing verbal could stop his episode, and she didn't want to touch him in case she made it worse, and that broke everyone's heart. Now, it was Martha's turn to feel helpless.

“NO. please stop” Alex's cries grew louder, as the nails digging into the fabric of his sweatshirt grew harsher.

“Stop it”

Another broken sob.

“I KNOW, SHUT UP!” he screamed.

Suddenly, all that was heard was a small sniffle.

“I know,”

Everyone looked heartbreakingly at the poor boy sitting on the kitchen floor. After slowly opening his eyes Alex began to tilt to the side before completely knocking out and falling into Martha's arms.

Everyone was stunned at what they had just witnessed. John had first met, a cute, witty but a little awkward, boy that could come up with a sly remark on the spot. But this boy, laying on Martha's lap after having experienced some sort of panic attack, was sad, broken and in great need of help. And John was going to give all the help he could.

While George picking Alex up to take him to his bedroom, and John and Martha sat at the dining table, two words could be heard from the small boys mouth, so quiet and almost barely audible, but in the silent kitchen, echoed like a wisp.

“...I'm sorry.”

He must feel so helpless.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bitch YOU THOUGHT!
> 
> Kinda sorry for the false summary kinda not. :P
> 
> TW:  
> -panic attack  
> -self hatred  
> -destructive guilt

**Author's Note:**

> What a strange way to end it.


End file.
